Former Mets baseball player Roberto Alomar has been slapped upside the head with a lawsuit alleging he engaged in sexual activity while afflicted with AIDS. Alomar’s ex-girlfriend, Ilya Dall, is behind the lawsuit.

Last night Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids while employed by the Texas Rangers in the early oughts. “Back then you could walk into GNC and get four or five different products that, today, would probably trigger a positive test,” he told ESPN’s Peter Gammons. Ah, yes, those were magical times. Remember Mini-Thins? Alex says he realized one night in bed in Arizona that he was risking everything by taking drugs, so he stopped. He also accused Sports Illustrated reporter Selena Roberts of stalking him.

If God doesn’t strike you dead for eating the foods on This Is Why You’re Fat, the new “deliciously gross food” blog, then there is no God. At left is the Seven Pound Burrito stuffed with potatoes, eggs, onions and ham bits, smothered in tons of cheese and red chile. The dude who ordered it at a place called Jack-n-Grill in Denver actually gained five pounds after eating it. But, to us, the food that really proves we are dealing with diabolical minds here is the Deep Fried, Cheese-Stuffed, Ground Bacon Burger. Why top your burger with bacon, when you can just MAKE THE PATTY OUT OF GROUND BACON?

The New York Post’s Alex Rodriguez steroids headline made us LOL in our cornflakes this morning. It says “A-HOLE.” Because he dug himself in one. Get it?! The story inside, titled “PANICKED A-ROD IN CRISIS MODE,” [caps theirs, obvs.], says that Rodriguez has handed any public statement, regarding the recent disclosure of his 2003 steroid use, to his former manager Scott Boras. The two kissed and made up after A-Rod dropped Boras in 2007 to become a free agent. A-Rod’s friends say his career has been a hot mess since he made that decision and began relying on advice from Madonna’s agent Guy Oseary whose mantra seems to be, “Career suicide, please.”

Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids in 2003 according to a report by Sports Illustrated, which has been verified by four sources. That year the slugger won the American League’s Most Valuable Player Award and won the AL home run title.

According to SI’s source, “Rodriguez’s name appears on a list of 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball’s ‘03 survey testing.”

If Hillary Clinton didn’t spend a whole year running for president insteada doin’ something for the state of New York, maybe we’d be a little better. If Spitzer wasn’t out there poppin’ chicks like bon bons, maybe we’d be a little better…”

When sixteen year-old high school junior Domingo Santoyo of Brownsville, Texas found out last summer that he needed a P.E. credit to graduate high school, he decided to go out for the swim team. The only catch: he was born without arms. No problem. Santoyo has already taken about 30 seconds off his event, the 50 freestyle. “Coaching Domingo, and seeing how he’s progressed, it’s been an enjoyable thing to watch,” his coach Ryan Shea said. Fellow swimmer Kiley Vera said the rest of the team benefits from his discipline.

Hello Machochip readers, its Alex. This is a note (or “post” if you’re going to get all technical about it) to let you know that last week was truly my last at Machochip. I want to thank all of the readers, as well as everyone else who made this blog really fun to write for. It’s been a year and a half of incorporating two things I love—sports and writing about stuff. Sure, it always hasn’t been a great combination like a Stuffed-crust pizza, but it was always at least Combos-level good, I think.

If anyone wants to relive the old days, you can hit me up at alexthewriter [at] gmail [dot] com. I’ll also take food donations and any nude pics of disgruntled cheerleaders if you got ‘em.

Thanks.

Alex

Dear Machochip Reader,

For over a year Machochip has covered the latest news and commentary on sports, chicas! the occasional lifestyle tech piece and some fun video game reviews. We have had some great hits and some misses as well. We aim for each of our stories to be a hit, which is why we are taking a break from our around the clock posting and rethinking the content we cover, produce and publish for you.

Considering how much we love Kobe Bryant—defending-him-even-though-the-facts-are-against-him kinda love—we know he’s the NBA’s answer to Patrick Bateman. His cool, reserved demeanor on the court that he uses to put opponents away also translates in his interviews. We don’t quite believe his laughs, or completely trust his motives, but we still hold him in the highest regard and watch him with awe every time he handles the ball. That’s why his interview with Complex made us smile—because he told Marc Ecko one of the single-most human admissions he’s ever made. When asked what was what keeps him up at night, what makes him tick, he could’ve said world hunger or war, but that would’ve been shrug-worthy. But Kobe Bryant said what so many of us have thought before, but never made a big thing about outside of their home—that they don’t want to pick up their dog’s shit. Yeah, we’re easy like that.