Some putz named Kevin Reynolds admitted today that he punched legendary coach Sir Alex Ferguson in the gonads for reasons only a drunk would really understand.

The court was told today that Reynolds then said: “I’m sorry Fergie. I did not know it was you.” He then chanted: “Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth” - a football shout common in Scotland.

Oh man, we want that guy at our baseball home games so he can run off all enemy fans from the stadium (we’ll leave our locale a secret just in case we hire this dude to bash your balls in). Unfortunately for the Manchester United manager, he found out the hard way that his decaying scrotum are actually still sensitive to drunk dudes knuckle-crunching them. Curious thought to us since we’ve surplussed way too much time: how legendary is this coach that no bodyguards or security were present to protect him? If Phil Jackson was waiting for his driver at LAX, we’re sure he’d be surrounded by half a dozen walking tanks waiting to consume anyone who came within five feet. Then again, he totally had this coming with a title like ‘Sir’ and a nickname like ‘Fergie’.

Drunk Says Sorry To Fergie After Attack [Goal]