Deer penis soup might give athletes an unfair advantage, so Swedish duo Carolina Klüft and Stefan Holm have come up with a psychotic plan to help curb temptation for cheaters.

Klüft and Holm, reigning Olympic champions in the heptathlon and high-jump events, both agreed that competitors at the highest level should either have computer chips implanted into their skin or GPS transmitters attached to their training bags to help keep track of their movements at all times.

We recommend the Infinity G35 edition of the GPS because it has little Unocal emblems on it whenever you’re near a gas station. The more psychotic one Klüft described:

“I have previously proposed that we should have computer chips surgically implanted into our skin. But it might be just as good if everybody at a certain level had a key ring with a GPS transmitter on their training bags. That way everybody involved knows where we are at all times and can find us for tests,” Klüft told Svenska Dagbladet. “I wouldn’t have any complaints about surveillance of this kind. In fact, I think we have an obligation to go along with most things. Doping is terrible, which means it is important we have an open mind and are brave enough to discuss and debate the issue,” she added.

People say that about civility laws too, but pissing in alleyways and jaywalking is no effin’ reason to put a camera in our shnoz at every corner. The Olympics committee, or whoever these weirdos are, should focus on podium crying. Basically: you shed a tear, you’re stripped of your medal. Take that, Carl Lewis.

Klüft touts computer chip implants [The Local]
Image [SvD]