The Super Bowl is not only a time of high excitement, but of major scrutiny. Any slip up will be remembered in the annals of Super Bowl lore. For this reason, Machochip contributing editor Alex Ferreyra is lending a helping hand to players with WAG (Wife and Girlfriend) problems by creating the perfect audience seating chart for everyone involved. Because the last thing you want before playing in the big game is a big headache.

When the Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson debacle was just beginning to gain traction, I never thought it would turn into a full-blown media circus complete with clowns (T.O) and animals (the paparazzi). It got so bad, the hype took on a life of its own even after Romo’s Cowboys were summarily dismissed. Last week, the Giants all-of-a-sudden wunderkind Eli Manning put his girlfriend in the ice-cold stands of Lambeau Field instead of a press box so “she wouldn’t be a distraction.” So while he was quarterbacking the Giants into the Super Bowl, she had to sit outside during the third coldest game in NFL history and freeze her tits off. Never has another woman been made to suffer so badly because of Jessica Simpson since Joe made Ashley get a nose job.

All this got me thinking—with the big game coming, which American Football Wives and Girlfriends, (or WAGs for the uninitiated) should be kept as far away or close to the field as possible to avoid becoming a distraction? Forget Xs and Os, here are the seven Super Bowl WAGs that need to figure out where they’re going to be watching the game from. I’ve given them some helpful hints.

• 1. Bridget Moynahan
  Sec 450 Row ZZ Seat 7
• 2. Gisele Bundchen
  Sec 419 Row ZZ Seat 7
We couldn’t start this list with anyone other than Tom Brady. He is the undisputed king of this category because of his baby mamma, actress Bridget Moynahan, and his current girlfriend-who-makes-him-live-part time-in-NYC, Gisele Bundchen. Brady is as unfazeable as they get. But if there’s anything that could throw off a man’s game, it’s two women fighting over him, especially when one has a toddler to use as a weapon. That’s why the best solution is to sit them at the most diametrically opposing positions in the stadium possible. That’s right, send them to the top of the nosebleeds on either side of the field. Hey, the schmoes who sit up there have paid about $500 for each ticket, llet them have a little fun. Sample text message to buddy back in Boston: “Dude, I just spilled nacho chez on Gisele’s lap.”

• 3. Selita Ebanks
  Sec 108 Row AA Seat 3
Brady boy isn’t the only Super Bowler dating a Victoria’s Secret model. Giants monster defensive end Osi Umenyiora is currently dating the sublime Ms. Ebanks. OK, so I’m going to probably take some huge flack for this, but I think Ebanks>>>Gisele. Come on, Gisele isn’t even the hottest Bundchen sister. Add the fact that there’s been some confusion over who Ebanks has been dating (is it Osi? James Blake? Nick Cannon?!?), and it makes sense that she needs to be in Umenyiora’s sights and away from the movie stars and musicians that prowl the sidelines. So let’s say the Giants keep it somewhat close and the Pats aren’t just marching up and down the field? Let’s put her at the 50-yard-line so whenever Osi turns to check on her, he just has to slightly tilt his head and make sure major-league poon-hound (and Phoenix resident) Matt Leinart isn’t trying to sex her up.

• 4. Jean Strahan
  Sec 248 Row AA Seat 3

• 5. Michael Strahan’s Kids
  Sec 108 Row AA Seats 4 and 5
On the opposite end of the defensive line (and dating spectrum) is Michael Strahan. This time last year, Strahan had to give up $15.3 million and 20% in child support to his ex-wife, Jean Strahan. So 20% of 15 of his allotted tickets comes out to… carry the one… three tickets. That’s enough to bring his ex-wife and twin toddlers to enjoy the game—so she can repeatedly call him a homosexual like she did during their divorce proceedings. But, hey, guess what Jean, Michael sat you in the dark recesses of the lower level. It’s not as trashy as sitting you up with Gisele, but it’s still far enough so you won’t make eye contact. And what about the kids? Well, they’re with Auntie Selita up in the first row!


• 6. Abby McGrew
  Press Box
What do you give the woman you’ve dated since college who’s just accepted your marriage proposal? Certainly not a trip to the cold ass stands of Lambeau Field. But since that’s what Eli Manning did for his new fiancée Abby McGrew last week, this upcoming game is all about retribution. And we’re not talking about sharing a press box with the Peyton and Archie Manning, either. This is a full-blown suite for her and the ten girlfriends she deems worthy enough to enjoy the Dom P, body massages and mani/pedis they’d get while watching the game. And if he has time, they might just get a personal strip-a-gram from the one… the only… major-league poon-hound (and Phoenix resident) Matt Leinart!

• 7. Katie Coughlin
  Giants sideline
Chris Snee is the luckiest Giant of them all. He fathered New York head coach Tom Coughlin’s grandson, with Coughlin’s daughter Katie while the two were still at Boston College. Oooh, tawdry college out-of-wedlock child bearing! And they say that has nothing to do with the team picking him in the second round of the draft. Yeah, right. That’s why we think it’d be best to put Ms. Katie Coughlin right next to the Giants’ bench—literally, like on the New York sidelines. That way, if the offensive guard misses an assignment and gets Eli Manning crushed, then Snee can just sidle up to Katie and remind coach that if he kills him, he’d leave his grandson an orphan.

• 8. Sharon Shenoca
  $2.2 million townhouse in Brooklyn
You might think a head coach who looks like the Patriots’ Bill Belichick would be immune from the wiles of groupies. Well, you’d be wrong. Belichick was recently in divorce proceedings, but he was the other man! (dun dun duuuuun). Let’s have the sports-law blog take it from here:


Coach Belichick—a married man who has been separated from his wife, Debbie, for the last two years—is also a central character in Vincent and Sharon Shenoca’s messy divorce proceeding. According to Vincent, a construction worker from New Jersey, Belichick has had a nearly 20-year affair with Sharon, who worked as a receptionist for the New York Giants while Belichick was their defensive coordinator under Bill Parcells. Vincent claims that Belichick has showered Sharon with gifts, calls her all the time, flies her to be at games with him, and has generally destroyed his marriage.

Apparently NFL games aren’t the only thing he likes cheating on. One of the gifts that he gave her was a $2.2 million townhouse in Brooklyn that he bought under the realty trust he ran with his soon to be ex-wife! We’re going to assume that came with a nice flat screen TV for her to watch the game because if the way he treats his players is any indication, Bill Belichick won’t be giving Sharon Shenoca anything extra to keep her happy.

Images:
sportsprick.com
thesuperficial.com
thehollywoodgossip.com
NYPost.com
Deadspin.com
NFL.com
sportscolumn.com