You would think that nothing could have a lamer payoff than the alleged tryst Tony Parker had with a French model last year that ended with a whimper softer than the alleged bang that never took place. Well, you’d be wrong. Tony Parker decided to surprise his wife Eva Longoria for her birthday with the suckiest reveal since we found out Michael was coming back to Lost, which coincidentally is a much better show on ABC than Desperate Housewives. Anyway, here’s the blow-by-blow account that took us hours to edit down so you could get the gist of how lame the Parker/Longoria household is.

Parker had planned [a celebration] in their hometown [that] involved surprise visits from friends and family, an Amazing Race-style scavenger hunt, a lavish dinner at a castle and a real-life version of the Clue board game…

The unsuspecting star… was greeted at the airport by the familiar Clue characters… But the San Antonio Spurs star was noticeably absent. Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, all of them were there,” says the guest. “But there’s no Tony. Although there was a Spurs coyote – the Spurs mascot – in the crowd.” […]

The birthday girl had to watch a video and answer questions from the still-MIA Parker… That set the stage for the biggest surprise of the night. “In walks the Spurs coyote again,” says the partygoer. “But it’s Tony in the coyote costume! He’s been in the coyote costume the whole day …. He was hot, he was sweating, he was in love with his wife.”

He made us retch with that whole get-up. Why not fake a fist fight with Manu Ginoboili that ends with them falling into the birthday cake, shooting plumes of confetti in the air while Eva’s doused with green slime from You Can’t Do That On Television? That would certainly be overdone, but also certainly not lame.

PARKER-LONGORIA MORE ANNOYING THAN EVER [With Leather]
Image [CNN]