It’s been a grueling month for us because soccer is our number one and living without Champions League play is like living without sex: truly, and utterly, unbearable. We’ve been harvesting our energy for today and now we’re only moments from Barcelona FC’s ass-whooping of Schalke 04’ and something bloody between Manchester United and Roma. Why don’t we have a bracket going on for this?

First, on to the game that can plausibly end in a shocker, but probably won’t:

Barcelona FC V Schalke 04’: Veltins-Arena: 1445EST

• Schalke 04 have been plagued by injuries and none more disastrous than Ze Roberto (hamstring), Gustavo Varela (thyroid problems) [Ed. Note: Is he too fat?] and Marcelo Bordon, their captain, (muscular problems). And the list actually goes on. It may be a blessing in disguise because either way, we don’t think they can match up to a dense Barcelona lineup.

  Barcelona FC have Gabriel Milito and Rafa Marquez back from injury, but will be without Ronaldinho and injured star Lionel Messi. Ronnie is once again out because of some unknown, extra-terrestrial virus, more commonly known as a tiff with the manager. That doesn’t really mean anything to us when Barca touts a front line composed of Borjan KrKic, Samuel Eto’o and Thierry Henry. We’re not sure exactly what Schalke 04’s back line is about, but Borjan will make minced meat out of it.

  Prediction: Schalke 04 0, Barcelona FC 3.

Manchester United V Roma: Stadio Olimpico: 1445EST

• This game is terrifying considering what went on last year. If they could find a way to ex the violence and produce some awesome soccer, then we’d be appreciative. We are totally sick of the violence already, anyway. Besides that, all eyes will be on Sir Alex Ferguson’s playboy, Cristiano Ronaldo. He has 35 goals (in all competitions) coming into tonight’s game and is sure to keep Roma’s back four pedaling like circus clowns. Edwin van de Sar is back at goalkeeper for United, but that shouldn’t be a problem with Rio Ferdinand holding the fort.

  Roma’s left-winger (and former Barcelona cheerleader) Ludovic Giuly believes Manchester will go down. Roma fell to Man U 7-1 in their last matchup, last year, and will be out for revenge. Just keep the bottles, knives, chairs, batons, and anything else Italians like to wield, out of the stands.

  Prediction: Manchester United 3, Roma 1.

  Roma V Man U: Don Howe [Telegraph]
  Schalke V Barca [Sky Sports]
  Image [Sky Sports]