Heads Up: Leave My TPS Reports Alone!

We’re fortunate to work wherever we please: cafes, living room and Bryant Park on a sunny day usually rock it. Thankfully, we never have to deal with douchebags of this kind. Though, the baristas in Soho are morons and pigeon shit on our soccer jerseys is not cool. [YouTube]
Matt Kemp is the most talented youngster out there. And now we know he’s got a nice little temper to back up his offense. Unfortunately for him, his tenacity will cost him. [LATimes]

Pele is a God-fearing man and he hopes the mighty lightning thrower from above will bestow mercy on the soul of Diego Maradona. [Xinhua]
Synchronized swimming is like sprinting while holding your breath? Wow. [Deadspin]
Big Brown’s trainer reaffirms that his horse is completely free of steroids. Well, since April anyway. Will this hinder ~~our chances of seeing Hooter’s girls in the winner’s circle?~~ his chances of winning? Let’s hope not. [NYTimes]
Sir Alex Ferguson is a bare-knuckle coach who’ll do whatever the hell he can to keep Cristiano Ronaldo’s grease-monkey hair in Manchester. [The Spoiler]
Even with that hideous tattoo and lard overflowing his waistband, Mike Tyson still has a way with the ladies. [The Big Lead]