Botched surgeries rank in the top ten of things we fear for the most. It’s right before rats and catching Giardia after eating shrimp cocktails from a street vendor. But for one man, surgery in 2004 for a rectal malfunction (blah) went awry when the doctor stapled his anus shut. Now the man is suing the doctor because he couldn’t drop some knowledge on his toilet for 17 days. That’s almost two-weeks of no epiphanies.

“The reason for suing Dr. Casiano is very simple: His rectum was stapled shut,” said Julia Lodowski, who with attorney Emily Malarkey is representing Watkins and his wife, Brenda.

Lodowski told jurors in U.S. District Court that Watkins now experiences “rectal discharge” and needs to wipe himself between 12 and 15 times a day. He’s also had to have four “unnecessary surgeries” because of Casiano’s actions, Lodowski said.

There’s no medical reason cited for why the man’s anus had to be stapled, so we’re guessing the doctor was experimenting. And by experimenting we mean playing a practical joke on this guy. Hey, at least the man didn’t have his penis amputated.

Man sues Md. doctor, says butt stapled shut [Baltimore Examiner]