They’ve tried fat guys dancing and their manager meeting face-to-face with the fans. But apparently that’s not enough to bring the scant few fans of the Florida Marlins to the game. Yesterday must’ve set some non-disaster record for low attendance at a baseball game when an estimated 600 fans came out to see the Florida Marlins, fighting for their playoff lives, beat the Atlanta Braves. Sure, they say the paid attendance was 11,211, but when you can clearly hear the batter and catcher talk smack about sleeping with the other’s wife, you know the actual number’s real low.

Fewer than 600 people were in Dolphin Stadium’s bright orange and aqua seats for the first pitch, leaving most of them to reflect the afternoon sun. While the official attendance, based on tickets sold, was 11,211, the ballpark was so quiet that home-plate chatter could be heard.

Some Florida players even joked in the locker room before the game about trying to guess the total number of fans, throwing out figures between 200-500. Florida is used to a lack of support, but even Wednesday’s game was a stretch for the Marlins, who are by far the majors worst in attendance with an average between 16,000 and 17,000 fans.

Wow, we still can’t believe that they’re building them a new stadium. Get out while you can, Marlins! Why? Because—and we’re estimating here—these events drew around the same number of people as your Major League Baseball game yesterday:

• The average IMAX theater showing of The Dark Knight for the first month: Because, you know, that shit was awesome.
• Some back to school party last week: You know the scenario—too many people inviting friends of friends and all hell breaks loose. Relationships are broken, friendships are bonded, and Jennifer Love Hewitt shows up and actually talks to the shy, unassuming guy who’s had a crush on her since the 8th grade. Oh wait… that’s the plot to Can’t Hardly Wait. Man, we’ve been watching waaay too much HBO 2 lately.
• The Houston 500: And we’re not talking about some race, we’re talking about the time when pornstar Houston decided to have sex with 500 men at once. And in both cases some wood and balls were in play.

Ramirez, Marlins beat Braves in front of 600 fans [AP]
Image [AP]