The news that Kevin Costner is set to reprise his role as Crash Davis in a sequel to Bull Durham makes us cry just a little bit. There is a long history of movie studios taking beloved sports movies and bastardizing them, all in the name of a quick buck. Could a second Bull Durham be good? Maybe. But we can find at least six examples where Hollywood has drained the life from our treasured sports cinema. If the past is any indication, Bull Durham 2 will suck like Annie Savoy.

• 6. Slap Shot 2: The hockey classic introduced many of us to swearing, lesbianism and the unbridled machismo of a middle-aged Paul Newman. Hell, people who hate hockey still love Slap Shot. In Slap Shot 2 audiences were treated to a performance by the weakest Baldwin brother and a set of Hanson Brothers that had not aged gracefully. You might own this, since for a while it was packaged together with the original in a twin-DVD set. Throw it away. And it better still have the plastic on it when you do. We’re checking.
• 5. D3: The Mighty Ducks: While the first two Mighty Ducks films dealt mostly with underdogs and hockey, the third dropped a whole new plot line on the viewer: class warfare. The poor kids of the Ducks are given scholarships to a snooty prep school, thus preventing some other snooty prep-schoolers from attending. Ability eventually triumphs over privilege as Emilio Estevez wonders what happened to his career after Young Guns 2.

• 4. Major League 3: Back to the Minors: The first two movies in the Major League trilogy saw the Cleveland Indians get closer and closer to success. In the third installment we are shifted to the minor leagues, probably because none of the big names would agree to another round of baseball humor. The jokes come fast and furious (Tanaka owns a putt-putt golf course! The outfielder is a ballerina!) and we are eventually forced to believe that the minor league team could possibly beat the Minnesota Twins, even though no real baseball fan would ever swallow such tripe. Though everyone should be embarrassed, this movie is a particularly glaring mark on the resume of President Palmer (Dennis Haysbert), whose career was on a much different trajectory before FOX and Allstate came a-callin’.

• 3. The Next Karate Kid: If you thought Mr. Miyagi’s interplay with Daniel-san was great, wait ‘til you see him interact with a teenage girl! A pre-boobulous Hillary Swank takes over for Ralph Macchio, the Alpha Elite replace the Cobra Kai and a Miyagi/Swank dance lesson fills in for “wax-on, wax-off.” Shaolin monk bowling rounds out this poo-poo platter of film feces.

• 2. Rocky V: Sure, no Rocky sequel is perfect, but at least II, III and IV had their charm. In II, we got to see Rocky win. In III, we got to see Clubber Lang sexually harass Adrian in a public place and kill Mickey. IV was as close to fighting the Cold War as any of us would ever get. In V, we get to watch a retired, broke Rocky train an ungrateful Tommy Gunn, as played by heavyweight washout Tommy “Condoms are for Sailors” Morrison. Rocky has left the fight game because he is borderline brain-dead, yet the movie closes with him victorious after a vicious street fight with a man at least 20 years his junior. And he doesn’t even need an ambulance. What does that say about how hard Apollo Creed was hitting in I?

• 1. Caddyshack 2: Jackie Mason plays Rodney Dangerfield as a stereotypically Jewish real estate tycoon in a sequel that is so bad you’d like to forget this has any connection to the original. Alas, you can’t, since Chevy Chase shows up to collect a paycheck with a phoned-in version of Ty Webb. Dan Akroyd plays a hitman who must deal with the famed course gopher in a performance so bad that we imagine he couldn’t look Bill Murray directly in the eye for a few years. Heavy socio-economic themes are on display here, as Mason’s new wealth must teach old wealth a lesson in humility through golf, a game only the wealthy have the time and money to play. If anything about this movie is redeeming it’s Randy Quaid’s over-the-top psycho attorney character. We love Randy Quaid, but he’s just not enough to save Caddyshack 2 from our top spot. We don’t really know what could, actually.