We hold no ill will towards mascots. Why should we? They’re there to entertain us at the ballpark or stadium, and occasionally pick fights with Tommy Lasorda. So when we heard that the University of Denver was not going to bring back their longtime mascot Boone the Pioneer from a 10-year hiatus, even after students and alumni asked for it on a semi-permanent basis, we wondered why. The answer released from the school’s Chancellor Robert Coombe was ridiculous.

Coombe wrote that the cartoon pioneer “does not reflect the broad diversity of the DU community and is not an image that many of today’s women, persons of color, international students and faculty, and others can easily relate to as defining the pioneering spirit.”

That’s a bunch of baloney. When announcers say that the UCLA Bruins are “hungry” for a win, they don’t mean they’re starving for salmon, do they? No, we think they’ve gotten too literal with it and believe there’s something more sinister working here against good ol’ Boone the Pioneer… and we may have figured it out. It’s not that Boone the icon isn’t inclusive enough, it’s that his visage is too divisive. Check this out.

• His beard is a little too “Al-Queda”-y for these troubling times.
• His “coonskin” hat might get the PETA people on Coombe’s ass.
• His gun is of the “5-minute powder load” sort. Not enough firepower to take down today’s deers and elk, which might piss off some Colorado hunters.
• His bushy eyebrows remind many of old people, and old people is a reminder of John McCain, which equals a no-win situation. So to many, Boone is a depressing cheerleader. Transitive properties descriptions ftw!

Our solution? Ditch Ruckus, a red-tailed hawk who’s currently their mascot, and give Boone a little makeover. Some new shoes and an outfit that doesn’t look like a butcher’s would give him the support of the whole campus. Plus, it’d be a hell of a lot better than a Ruckus, who despite the hardcore name, was referred to by the student body as an eagle, hawk, falcon, “prairie bird,” “bird-thing” or “the red creature.” Wherever you stand on Boone, you know he’s 100% man.

“Divisive” mascot of DU won’t rise again [denverpost.com]
Image [denverpost.com]