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When You Want To Know What It Feels Like To Have A Girl Kick Your Ass... Pay Her  ||  Worst. Cookbook. Ever. If You Thought Testicles Made Bad Food, How About Semen Recipes?  ||  Feature: Athletes Who Don't Make Us Want To Purge This Thanksgiving  ||  Next Year's Pirelli Calendar Is Going For A More Eco-Friendly Theme
MondayDecember012008

Member?: Giants Don't Shoot Themselves In The Foot (Or The Groin) Without Plaxico Burress Against The 'Skins

Whas happened in sports last night. NFL: The New York Giants proved a lot of things yesterday, most importantly that they’re hands down the best team in football (and the lowest-key possible repeat Super Bowl winners ever). They shook...

TuesdayNovember252008

'Member?: Drew Brees Keeps Haunting Us For Picking Tom Brady In Our Fantasy Draft

Whas happened in sports last night. NFL: Drew Brees threw for more than 300 yards for the eighth time this year as the New Orleans Saints demolished the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football. Deuce McAllister scored the...

WednesdayNovember192008

Albert Pujols Puts Up Cold Hard Cash To Bring Soccer To St. Louis

Even though soccer is not nearly as popular in the United States as it is elsewhere, and we think that most fans here root for teams in better European leagues, America’s own Major League Soccer is still moving ahead...

WednesdayNovember122008

'Member?: The Lakers Fight To Stay Perfect

Whas happened in sports last night. NBA: Los Angeles climbed to 6-0, and 3-0 on the road, with a second half comeback at Dallas. Pau Gasol had 22 points and 11 rebounds and Kobe Bryant chipped 27 points, and...

TuesdayNovember112008

Ugh. FCB Miami Wants You To Name The Club, Begs You To Declare Your Fanship

The city of Miami must be all sorts of desperate to bring a Major League Soccer franchise to its shores. Yesterday the team’s financial backers—local businessman Marcelo Claure and FCB Barcelona—launched a new website designed to drum up local...

ThursdayNovember062008

The Mafia Finds A Way To Infiltrate The Lucrative Gay Italian Market—Fake Beckham Memorabilia

We knew that David Beckham thought he was all gangsta gangsta hanging out with Snoop all the time, but this might be even a bit much for him. While he’s over in Milan on loan from the Galaxy, the...

WednesdayNovember052008

Did The Galaxy Leave The Door Open For David Beckham To Leave Next Year? Yes, They Did

It looks like your David Beckham L.A. Galaxy jersey might become a throwback sometime soon. Amid his move on loan to AC Milan over the winter months, news comes that this upcoming season could be his last. Reports are...

TuesdayNovember042008

Hollywood Producer And Seattle Sounders' Owner Joe Roth Sees Obama And Soccer Support Overlap, Both Winning

When heavyweight film producer Joe Roth decided to buy a major stake of the Seattle Sounders MLS team, he did it in true Hollywood fashion. He decided that if he were going to roll out a new franchise, he...

MondayNovember032008

'Member?: Dallas Sure Could Use Tony Romo And His Pinky Right Now

Whas happened in sports last night. NFL: In the four games since Tony Romo got the boo-boo on his pinky, Dallas has gone 0-4 and have been outscored by an average of 13 points a game. Worse than that,...

MondayOctober272008

'Member: The Phillies Are One Game Away From Ending Philadelphia's Title Drought

World Series Game Four: Word to the Tampa Bay Rays—if you want to win a World Series game, it’s probably best not to let the 1-8 hitters in the Phillies lineup go up during the first inning. That’s what...

FridayOctober242008

'Member?: Tampa Bay Set Their Sails For A Game Two Win

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night World Series Game Two: Rays’ pitcher James Shields threw 5 2/3 innings of shutout ball to capture his first win since the division series opener as Tampa Bay evened the series with Philadelphia....

WednesdayOctober012008

'Member?: Chicago Beats Minnesota To Get To Tampa

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLB: Was Jim Thome’s homer in the seventh inning of last night’s White Sox victory over Minnesota the most important of the season? Or was it Alexei Ramirez’s grand slam against Detroit the...

TuesdaySeptember302008

David Beckham Sure Has A Lot Extra Time On His Hands

You’d think the face of American soccer, David Beckham, would concentrate more on the fundamental requirement correlated with his title: soccer playing. David Beckham has set aside photo shoots of his bulge and attending movie premiers to concoct a...

TuesdaySeptember232008

Goal Of The Day: Landon Donovan's Screecher.

The MLS receives mediocre recognition from this site for reasons that only our 9am bottle of booze can decipher, but Landon Donovan deserves a little love for this screecher against DC United this weekend because he befuddles the DC...

FridaySeptember122008

How Not To Carry An Injured Goalkeeper

Chivas USA goalkeeper Zack Thornton had to hobble his way back to the locker rooms after the training staff dropped him on his ass while taking him off the pitch. The girl holding the head-side was obviously embarrasedd and...

FridaySeptember122008

The New York Mets Want An MLS Team

The New York Mets have climbed the charts to the second-most-powerful-team in baseball behind their subway-series counterparts the New York Yankees. Their estimated worth is $824million, which places them in the running to purchase almost anything they want. And...

FridaySeptember122008

'Member?: Chivas USA Got A Revolution Going.

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: The Revo’s Steve Ralston scored a late goal and had two assists as New England outlasted Chivas USA in Foxborough. It was only the second win in their last seven games, but...

TuesdaySeptember092008

Real Salt Lake's Fabian Espindola Pulls A Bill Gramatica

Real Salt Lake squandered a wonderful chance to pick up a win against the Los Angeles Galaxy, but that wasn’t the only thing they lost. Midfielder Fabian Espindola was revved up after his team allowed the Galaxy to claw...

ThursdaySeptember042008

'Member?: Serena Williams Uses The Big Sister Rule To Beat Venus

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night US Open: They’re both pushing 30, but we’re sure Serena and Venus Williams played like they were still in their teens out in Compton. Only, it was in front of the nation and...

FridayAugust222008

'Member?: New Boss, Same Ol' Result For The Galaxy

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: Bruce Arena—formerly of the US National team and the new Galaxy coach and GM—got his first game ruined by the Chicago Fire’s John Thorrington. The midfielder banked in the game’s only goal...

FridayAugust152008

Chicago Fire's "Sector Latino" Fans Called "Wetbacks" By Stadium Security, Cuauhtemoc Blanco Replies, "Shush, Drunkards"

Oh look. Someone is using racial slurs during a sports event. How freakin’ novel. The Chicago Fire’s Latino contingent has been known as “Sector Latino” since 2005. It’s the year they launched their Chicago soccer-devout group in one of...

FridayAugust152008

Goal Of The Day: Alan Gordon Saves The Galaxy.

MLS clasicos aren’t as exciting as other clasicos around the world, but Alan Gordon’s extra-time heroics salvaged a draw for a struggling Galaxy team and gave the game some much-needed excitement. Now if the Galaxy could figure out how...

MondayAugust112008

Alexi Lalas And Ruud Gullit Are Bound For An Unemployment Line

Let’s take an Olympics-boobie-hot girls break for a second in order to bring you news that the Galaxy have finally axed GM Alexi Lalas. In another move, coach Ruud Gullit resigned due to “personal reasons”, which means he can’t...

TuesdayJuly292008

'Member? MLS Rules Our Monday Night.

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: Why can’t there be more Monday night football soccer? Toronto lead the charge against Real Salt Lake, scoring first in the 63rd minute of play, but Real’s 84th and 87th minute goals...

FridayJuly252008

Meet Toronto's Seagull Repeller: Bitchy The Hawk.

If you enjoyed “Mr. Testis”, then you’re going to get a kick out of “Bitchy The Hawk.” She’s in charge of chasing away seagulls from Toronto’s BMO Field, hence the reason why she was given the nickname Bitchy. Honestly,...

FridayJuly252008

Goal Of The Day: Cuauhtemoc Blanco Validates His MVP Award With Superb Goal.

Does the phrase “The Colombian flicking to the Mexican” make you laugh just a little bit? Cuauhtemoc Blanco secured his MVP candidacy after this wonderful strike against West Ham United last night. Who knew a guy pushing 36 could...

FridayJuly252008

'Member? Cuauhtemoc Blanco Is MVP Of All-Star Game

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: Major League Soccer didn’t disappoint fans who wanted to see the best of the best thrash an English club that didn’t have the greatest American week this week. The American club scored...

MondayJuly212008

English Hooligans In Columbus To Teach Hooligan Training

We referenced David Beckham’s perspective on MLS’ progression today and he failed to mention the thriving hooligan atmosphere that American soccer fans are adopting. Case in point: Columbus Crew’s “Harley Street Hooligans” decided to start a little tiff with...

MondayJuly212008

Beckham: "MLS Is Better Than You Think... Now Will You Get That Gun From My Head?"

So MLS, how you doin’? According to your most famous import, David Beckham, you’re a growth industry that can do no wrong. It’s apparently the Next! Best! Thing! Wait, what year is this? America’s been hearing this forever Becks,...

TuesdayJuly152008

Chase Hilgenbrinck Leaves MLS For The Priesthood, And Possibly Better Pay

We’re not ones to pass judgment on someone because they leave a seemingly great life and leave it to join the Church… and we’re certainly not going to start now. Chase Hilgenbrinck of the New England Revolution has decided...

FridayJuly112008

Cuauhtemoc Blanco Needs Anger-Management, A Mixed Martial Arts Fighting Coach

The haymaker: it’s a wild punch, usually thrown as a hooping hook shot, applied with extreme force and backed by an even more extreme anger. Kidney shots: they’re the quintessential charlie horse that will have a recipient of the...

FridayJuly112008

'Member? SuperClasico In LA Ends In A Bust.

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: It’s a bust because no one claimed victory. Though, Edson Bundle’s 72nd heroics made it interesting. The only ties within derbies that we’ll ever enjoy have to go the 3-3 draw Real...

ThursdayJuly102008

Cuauhtemoc Blanco Is A Raging Lunatic, Is Punchy

MLS and the Chicago Fire went an entire year without so much as a drop kick from Mexican international soccer stud Cuauhtemoc Blanco, but if rumors are true, then Blanco’s notorious temper is as ripe as a three-second fart....

WednesdayJuly092008

America Looking To Create "El Clasico" In The States, To Possibly Buy MLS Team

It was only a matter of time until FMF’s Club America bellowed a groan of envy about Chivas’ MLS experiment, Chivas USA. Looks like they no longer want to be on the sidelines when it comes to tapping into...

TuesdayJune102008

And Next In Line To Try And Get People To Watch MLS... Guitar Hero!

For the mainstream fan, Guitar Hero is the best time around. Even for some of us geekier gamers who prefer the company of Master Chief in Halo, attempting to kick out an Avenged Sevenfold tune while simultaneously trying to...

FridayJune062008

Meet Jorge Flores. He's Chivas USA's Dream Come True.

The New York Times rocked a story about Chivas USA midfielder Jorge Flores today. He’s an 18 year old on the squad who is known as “Sueño” (which means dream) to his teammates and friends. He goes by this...

FridayJune062008

Goal Of The Day: Juan Pablo Angel Pulls A Fast One.

Make no mistake that Juan Pablo Angel will be analyzed, criticized, admired, hated and revered as the saving grace for the New York Red Bulls once Jozy Altidore departs for Recreativo Huelva Villareal. (More on Recreativo in a bit.)...

WednesdayMay282008

MLS Fans Adopt European Soccer Tendencies, A.K.A. Racism

The world has been chanting a familiar chorus about MLS since David Beckham stepped onto the Home Depot Center’s pitch for the first time: when is America going to embrace the globalized characteristics of the “World Game?” Unbeknown to...

FridayMay092008

Goal Of The Day: Cuauhtemoc Blanco Is A Good Whiner, Better Scorer

We don’t correlate stealth with Chicago Fire’s Cuauhtemoc Blanco. His style of play revolves around taking advantage of less-refined player’s mistakes. He also dives a lot. But, he can still drive 30 yard strikes with precision. And we hated...

TuesdayApril292008

Galaxy Coach Ruud Gullit Thinks The Galaxy Are A Joke

You can’t turn to an American publication to get the real sentiments of Los Angeles Galaxy head coach Ruud Gullit towards his team. Only European papers that are far, far away qualify as safe havens. Unfortunately, the Los Angeles...

MondayApril072008

Jozy Altidore At ESPNZone, Needs More Hookers

The Offside New York Red Bulls have some exclusive pictures of Jozy Altidore doing some not-so-exciting autograph signing at an ESPNZone this weekend, but it’s important to see that Jozy is still up for hanging with regular folk. Enjoy...

MondayMarch312008

Goal Of The Day: Terry Cook Rains Down On The Galaxy.

We’d prefere a Fox Sports video, but this fan doesn’t do a bad job of capturing the Colorado Rapids’ Terry Cook nailing the rebound and scoring on Beckham’s Galaxy. If there’s one thing that isn’t faulty in Major League...

MondayMarch312008

'Member? Los Angeles Galaxy Wonder What Happened To The Exhibition Games.

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night MLS: Analysis concerning the Los Angeles Galaxy is futile at best. We’re simply going to reveal that Cobi Jones totally got out with some dignity. Los Angeles Galaxy 0, Colorado Rapid 4. [Daily...

ThursdayMarch272008

M.L.S. Should Screw The Beckhams, Aims For Players South Of The Border

When it comes to the value of European soccer players in the United States, one can argue that M.L.S. would have better luck ransacking and fostering players from nearby Latino neighborhoods in every major city in the United States....

MondayMarch242008

David Beckham Spends 60 Minutes With Anderson Cooper

David Beckham is currently courting Fabio Capello in England where he looks to accomplish his feat of 100 caps with an English kit. Yet, it wasn’t too long ago that he met up with CNN anchor Anderson Cooper to...

FridayMarch212008

Would David Beckham Buy The Chicago Fire?

OMG, everyone, David Beckham has the option to buy an MLS franchise when his contract with the Galaxy ends!!!! The story comes from a 60 Minutes segment the soccer star taped that will air Sunday and, well, really shouldn’t...

WednesdayMarch192008

Future MLS Teams Won't Know Their FCs From Their ACs

Major League Soccer has quite the calamity on it’s hands. When it comes to all of the proposed teams that are to be unveiled in the next few years, what in the world are they to be named? Seattle...

WednesdayMarch052008

Can You Spot The Sasquatch In This Los Angeles Galaxy Photo?

Is that hardware at the foot of the photo? Better question: is that Sasquatch in Shanghai? The Los Angeles Galaxy won some meaningless trophy yesterday in an exhibition match against a fused Shaghai/Hong Kong team. The depiction of a...

WednesdayMarch052008

Battle Of The Red Bulls

Can a Red Bull house divided by itself stand… each other? That’s the question after the two Red Bull franchises—MLS’s New York and Salzburg—met in Austria for an exhibition game against each other. And like every family gathering, it...

TuesdayFebruary262008

Oscar De La Hoya Pumps Money Into MLS

Oscar De La Hoya isn’t going to let Floyd Mayweather Jr. steal the spotlight for today. It was reported yesterday that rumors of a Golden Boy Productions stake in the Houston Dynamo have apparently become fact. Along with some...

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