Notorious ball shrinker supplier Victor Conte accused Roger Clemens (and other athletes) of taking Viagra as a resource for counteracting the effects of steroids. Now the WADA is investigating if Viagra can actually enhance an athlete’s stamina in extremely...

When reports came tumbling out about Roger Clemen’s promiscuity and adultery, a few things didn’t make sense to us. Simply, if he was on roids, how in the world did he get it up with all of these girls?...

Why does the NFL all of a sudden resemble a story thread from The Wire? This week, New England Patriots o-lineman Nick Kaczur secretly helped the DEA nab a major illegal prescription drug supplier by wearing a wire. And...

Miguel Tejada—who knew he would be one of the feel-good stories of the year so far? When he’s not being ambushed by ESPN about his age or dodging steroid questions, he’s been actually hitting the ball well during this,...

Notorious steroid snitch and regarded bastard Jose Canseco has fallen prey to the endemic known as foreclosure. Have problems selling off your tall tales, are we? Canseco, 43, one of the most flamboyant U.S. baseball players until his retirement...

Turns out a cartoonist by the name of Dave Coulson and Topps trading cards were true contemporaries. Back in 1992, the duo teamed up to launch a children’s trading card series depicting major leaguers swollen from the waist up...

Let’s beat the shit out of the perennial steroid denial drum a bit more, shall we? Next in line for the drum circle: Sugar Shane Mosley. Sugar (can we call you Sugar?) is trying to discredit BALCO founder and...

There are precious few qualities you look for in a friend. Things like loyalty and knowing when to shut the hell up. Unfortunately for Alex Rodriguez, he picked a doozy of a BFF in Mike Borzello. Borzello, who was...

Newsday caught up to New York Yankees third-baseman Alex Rodriguez and questioned him about Jose Canseco’s recently leaked accusations (like, six hours ago) that Rodriguez was a steroid user and also someone who wanted to sleep with Canseco’s wife....

Deadspin kingpin Will Leitch uncovered a source that offers some spoilers from Jose Cansesco’s new book: “Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and The Battle to Save Baseball.” (They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!)...

Cracking down on performance enhancing cheats is a top priority for major sports around the world. Cycling, for example, has seen its fair share of testicular sacrificers, so cycling’s international community will do whatever it takes to clamp down...

Barry Bonds’ services are comparable to a Mexican dentist: the practice may be shady, but the price just may be good enough to take. Of course, no offense to Mexican denists. Barry Bonds holds the record for most homeruns...

Above all the juicing and anal leakage of the steroids-riddled 1990’s was a jeri-curled, cockfight loving Zimmer-thrashing man that didn’t engage in steroids: Pedro Martinez. He told the Daily News today that he’d never done the roids. In fact,...

So there’s a Congressional hearing that just ended involving Roger Clemens, Brian McNamee and a panel of grossly overpaid Congressdudes. Our enthusiasm on the matter is parallel to signing up for a colonoscopy. Yeah. You get it. However, there...

We’re as attentive to the Roger Clemens’ steroid saga as Isiah Thomas is to sexual harassment rules. But, the latest twist scraped up enough points on the laughter scale to bring us back…for a moment. Brian McNamee, the New...

The emergence of steroids and other performing enhancing drugs in sports has prompted the National Football League to congregate, decide and implement measures that will save their asses in the future. Translation: no one wants to be correlated with...

Well, some people may think that a film about grown men injecting testosterone into their asses may fall into the soft porn category. It’s not us, but, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing then you may...

It’s been a little more than an month since the Mitchell Report came out. And since the initial uproar, there hasn’t been much from the media about the involved players other than the coverage of Roger Clemens’ attempts to...

We love baseball, but if you’ve ever watched say… a Royals-Devil Rays game for fantasy or wagering purposes, you should seek help. But also, you may have noticed that America’s former pastime occasionally tends to lag. That’s why it...

Did you know there are congressional hearings going on today concerning steroids and baseball? You didn’t? Well, this just in. Miguel Tejada, you are the grand prize winner of a luxury, all expenses paid by the federal government, incursion...

Remember that scene in “Beetlejuice” when Geena Davis’ character is smacked with a plate of steel to shut her ass up? We all need that for Jeff Kent. Always ready to spew nonsense, Kent weighed in on the H.G.H./Steroid...

The kind of immunity you attain when gaining access into a prestigious club like the Hall of Fame must be wonderful. Long-time nominee, and Yosemite Sam lookalike, Goose Gossage, was the lone inductee to Major League Baseball’s Hall of...

When the Milwaukee Brewers signed pitcher Eric Gagne a few days before the Mitchell Report was released, most laughs linked to the story were from Red Sox fans who had seen the rapidly declining pitcher blow save after save...

Marion Jones was convicted of check fraud and lying to a federal agent about pumping steroids into her butt in October and now the time has come to face the wrath of the judicial system. Jones is looking at...

Roger Clemens is, like, the most talked about athlete today. The rumors were circulating that former New York Yankees trainer, and personal steroid guru Brian McNamee, would sue Roger Clemens for defamation. Well they don’t call “The Rocket”, um,...

Roger Clemens is set to take the stage in front of a national audience this Sunday during an already recorded interview to be broadcast on CBS’ reality series on old people called “60 Minutes.” Screw you, we can have...

When Jose Canseco released his steroid tell-all Juiced in 2004, everyone called him a self-absorbed, washed up ball player who was just seeking attention. Now, with all the hububb around the Mitchell Report and Canseco being vindicated, he’s decided...

We’re perturbed that some of the named Mitchell Report players aren’t coughing their guilt up—ahem, Clemens; but when teammates start to arrive in droves with loyalty, we cringe. Why, for once, can’t a teammate say, “Yeah that shmuck was...

It’s been nine days sine the Mitchell Report broke the biggest gas bubble since last year’s Memorial Day bbq shat-attack. It’s a dirty Friday morning. The Kirk Radomski affidavit was unsealed today with names that we’ve never heard of,...

Deer penis soup might give athletes an unfair advantage, so Swedish duo Carolina Klüft and Stefan Holm have come up with a psychotic plan to help curb temptation for cheaters. Klüft and Holm, reigning Olympic champions in the heptathlon...

Ever since former Maine Democratic Senator George Mitchell’s report on the state of steroid abuse in Major League Baseball came out, the sports world has been enthralled. And although we’ve found the report is really nothing more than one...

There’s nothing quite like one of the preeminent pitchers of our day calling out the best pitcher of all time. But that’s where we find ourselves post-Mitchell Report, when a guy like Red Sox hurler Curt Schilling can call...

You bet on baseball? Who cares. Guys were cheating by injecting drugs into their ass cheeks and getting away with it for decades. It was only a matter of time until legendary cheat-a Pete Rose spoke on the recent...

New York Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens was scheduled to speak to Texas high school baseball coaches next month, but the organization has reconsidered because of the recent Mitchell Report guillotine chop Clemens received when he was branded a cheater....

Mariano Rivera admires teammate Andy Pettitte’s recent admission that he took H.G.H. in 2003 for an injury. Frankly, we don’t even know why there’s such an uproar. It was two days. A four year old’s asthma inhaler probably contains...

Alex Rodriguez has called Jose Canseco a dirty stinkin’ liar. He’s not the first, and certainly not the last, but last night’s 60 Minutes interview where A-Rod denied ever used steroids flew in the face of Canseco’s no-proof damning...

It didn’t take too long for the “Mitchell Report” to elicit guilt-driven apologies from guys that consciously tried to shrink their gonads. New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte had been named in the report as a user of H.G.H.;...

We found another reason to torture you with Jose Canseco nipple pics. The former bash-brother was stunned when he caught a whiff of the “Mitchell Report” yesterday and Alex Rodriguez’s name wasn’t on the list. It’s cool Jose, we’re...

Honestly, we at the MachoChip headquarters thought yesterday’s Mitchell Report congressional hearings would’ve been a bigger circus that it turned out to be. With that big a stage, anyone from Jimmy Carter to Morganna the Kissing Bandit could’ve walked...

The Mitchell Report, unlike this kangaroo, has already reached it’s climax. As you can see, we’ve gone cuckoo. Steroids, ball-shrinkers and cheaters will reign supreme for the next few, um, weeks. So just sit back and play with your...

UPDATE: Nomar Garciaparra spared the humiliation of being a ball-shrinker. He has not been named in the Mitchell Report, but sources close to Machochip (i.e. a psychic) confirm that he’ll spend a considerable amount of time on the disabled...

At 2 o’clock today, Former Senator George Mitchell’s going to be releasing his list of Major League Baseball players he found to be guilty of buying steroids. The “Mitchell Report” was funded by MLB to find out who was...

When we ran our feature on NFL Violence last week, one of the players we highlighted was Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes, who once broke a bouncer’s nose. Todd Sauerbrun must’ve laughed at this because he’s now playing up the...

We know little about steroids, other than that they shrink your nads and give you backne. But one thing we are sure of is that everyone’s gone a little touchy about distancing themselves in this era of hair pill...

Romario’s playing days may be over after traces of a banned substance were found in his system last week. The Brazilian legend admitted to using an anti-balding product that contained the banned substance (finasteride), but he feels he did...

When a football player does something stupid and violent outside the arena, we’re usually the first to call them out. When then-Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss drove into a meter maid five years ago and explained how he...

Baseball officials have been clamoring down on HGH offenders ever since high-profile stars started leaving their dirty laundry around for all to see. Actually, baseball players are senseless when it comes to covering their tracks. Just look at Jose...

It was reported today that veteran baseball player Jose Guillen purchased some form of growth hormone and steroid between 2002 and 2005. Big whoop. We’ve heard it before. But have you ever wondered how a player goes about his...

Sammy Sosa has declared he’d still like to round the bases a few more times next season for whatever team that offers him a contract. (No one’s actually told Sammy that he’s tarnished in the eyes of most people.)...

We always knew wrestling was scripted, but the drama in Bret “Hitman” Hart’s new tell-all book makes the sport look like Sesame Street. Part Friday Night Lights, part Degrassi Junior High, the autobiography details his struggles with his abusive...