Alright. Well, let’s take a breather from all them stripper stories and Rafael Nadal’s newly exposed (not like that) girlfriend. Looks like UEFA is trying to revamp their second-most followed club tournament. Unfortunately, it doesn’t include mandatory cheerleading squads...

Just in the nick of time to subdue our soccer withdrawals and sequential convulsions, UEFA has released this year’s Champions League qualifying draw. Usually the teams come from Georgia, Turkey, Ukraine, Finland (to name a few) and either we’ve...

People throughout the world yesterday (including our Mexico City bureau chief) needed to double up their blood pressure meds when the feed for the Germany/Turkey match went out for about fifteen minutes. And it’s not like it went blank...

We’re jaded with stories about soccer violence. So much so that we’re no longer stunned when looking at pictures of men trampled by police and hooligans tossing anything in sight in order to incite a raucous. Glasgow Rangers fans...

From this clip, it looks like Carlos Tevez could very well maintain Manchester United’s prowess in the Premiership all on his own. Which leads us to believe that even without Cristiano Ronaldo, Man U could stay appease fans with...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Champions League: Who needs Wayne Rooney or Cristiano Ronaldo in the starting lineup when you have a snarling Carlos Tevez? Sir Alex Ferguson gambles and it doesn’t bite him in the ass. Manchester...

UPDATE: We’re numb nuts. Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo aren’t even starting. But Carlos Tevez and Ryan Giggs should still make it exciting, meaning Roma totally has a chance to upset now! We’re not entirely sure how the sequence...

Let’s recap what happened before the above video took place. After Arsenal’s Abou Diaby provided the Gunners with a lead in the 13th minute, Sami Hyypia fired a header passed a diving Cesc Fabregas that would of made Lindsey...

We confirmed this weekend that Cristiano Ronaldo had officially sold is soul to the devil. Tonight, we’re even more convinced. Manchester United are winning 2-0 against Roma at the moment with only ten minutes left in their first leg...

It’s been a grueling month for us because soccer is our number one and living without Champions League play is like living without sex: truly, and utterly, unbearable. We’ve been harvesting our energy for today and now we’re only...

If you’re a Roma fan, kudos for the win today. If you’re a Real Madrid fan, your voice is probably raspier than gypsy woman’s armpit from all the yelling at Guti’s horrific passes and Julio Baptista’s less than gentle...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Champions League: It took Cristiano Ronaldo 41 minutes to prove he’s way better than Karim Benzema. What took him so long? Manchester United 1, Lyon 0. [Goal] Champions League: 210 minutes of goal...

We aren’t fans of Serie A for reasons that hardly need disclosure. So we’re ecstatic to report that Arsenal FC of the Thierry Henry-less variety, have just ousted reigning champions AC Milan 2-0 in the “last 16” stage of...

We got through a quarter of the quarterfinals done with yesterday with minor bumps and bruises. Never watch a Real Madrid game in Little Italy when they’re playing Roma. That’s the Machochip advisory board talkin’. Aside from that, the...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Champions League: Liverpool overcome a thousand (or so it seemed) Inter Milan hand balls to win the first leg of their quarterfinal match. Who cares about domestic leagues when you can win in...

It’ll be another month until Champions League returns, but smack talk and unrealistic gibberish from overzealous players can always be counted on. Note ex-Real Madrid defensive midfielder Cicinho. His recent declaration that Real Madrid are 90% certain to exit...

The knockout stage match ups of the Champions League were unveiled today and it looks like every other damn year; except for Fenerbahce of course. We’re rooting for them a bit because their freakin’ scary. If their fans our...

This clip rules, not only because Steve Nash shows off his recently-acquired chipped tooth, but because of Michele Tafoya acting as if he just grew a second head right in front of her. [YouTube] German goalkeeper Oliver Kahn got...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Uefa Champions League: Does one suck their thumb more passionately when their opponent is a good, rather than mediocre? Real Madrid 3, Lazio 1. [AFP] NBA: Take note: no Tim Duncan means no...

The last round of the group stages has arrived and the elite of the elite are wavering in a muck of uncertainty. Powerhouses Liverpool FC and Spanish giants Real Madrid are two of the teams looking to advance out...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Copa Sudamericana Final: Club America go into Argentina and win 2-1; but aggregate rule makes them losers. Arsenal are champions. The end. [Reuters UK] NBA: So how long are Espn and Yahoo going...

That’s it. We’ve had it. One more match-fixing scandal investigation and we’ll turn this into a blog about Telenovelas. Well, oh oh alright. What the hell. One more. Uefa reps are looking into possible match-fixing within their prestigious Euro...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Uefa Champions League: When no one’s on the chopping block, why watch? Oh, right, Kaka. AC Milan beat Celtic 1-0, but both progress to the next round. [Uefa] NBA: Guess what? The Cleveland...

Here’s a revelation that’s shocked no one who’s been following soccer in Europe. This past weekend saw the newest betting scandal hit the continent, a match-fixing scam that could have possibly compromised up to 26 games, including a match...

Obviously whoever thought Americans were the only fat-tards in the world were mistaken. Uefa’s attack on love-handles comes with this clever ad, which was released during Champions League play this week. With a bit of innovation, you can turn...

No wonder Cristiano Ronaldo is so smug. This goal isn’t even shocking to him. He scored the game-winner against his former club, Sporting Lisbon, during extra time of their Uefa Champions’ League match yesterday. If he keeps this up...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Uefa Champions’ League: Them Romans and their bludgeoning. When will it end! No animals were hurt during this slaughtering. Roma 4, Dynamo Kiev 1. [SkySports] NBA: Didn’t Shawn Kemp just celebrate a birthday...

Wow, this EPL/foreign players story doesn’t want to go away. In an exchange straight out of The Jerry Springer Show, the EPL has been lambasting French UEFA chief Michel Platini for, um, agreeing with their pro-Englishman stance on players....

Uefa Champions’ League soccer is upon us once again and we’re as siked as a California beach bunny getting a tan. Matchday 5 can either make your or break you, so we’re taking a glance at the most scintillating...

Uefa smacked Benfica midfielder Augustin Binya with a six-game ban after he tried to snap Celtic midfielder Scott Brown’s leg like a twig, but he doesn’t really understand with the big fuss is about. Binya declares he’s been treated...

How would you like Aston Villa V Real Madrid in the Champions’ League? Or maybe Wigan Athletic V AC Milan? If Uefa President Michel Platini had his way then Liverpool’s new scoring record would be up for grabs every...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Copa Sudamericana: River Plate and Arsenal played to a 0-0 draw. No streakers were involved. [Espn Deportes] MLS Playoffs: No more worrying about spell checking Cuauhtemoc. New England Revolution beat Chicago Fire, 1-0...

Benfica midfielder Augustin Binya decided to try out some recently acquired UFC moves on Celtic midfielder Scott Brown during a Champions’ League match. Uh, that’s not allowed. He was given a straight red and even though Brown’s leg was...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night NBA: So is Boston going to start whining because they win too much? Boston Celtics start season 3-0 and take out Denver 119-93. [Yahoo] European Champions’ League: A Figo-less Inter Milan cruise to...

Manchester United V Dynamo Kiev: 4-0 Final Cristiano Ronaldo decided to poke his pretty little face out in the 88th minute and score a goal to solidify a Manchester United’s arse-whoopin’ of Dynamo Kiev. Looks like them foreign-born players...

It’s that glorious time of the month again. Matchday 4 already provided some shock and awe yesterday and we’re getting riled up for some more European Champions’ League action. Sixteen games are spread over Tuesday and Wednesday matchdays, and...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night European Champions’ League: Liverpool 8, Besiktas 0. It was an amazing display of…wait…who the hell is Besiktas? Do it against someone we know and we’ll talk. [Goal] European Champions’ League: Real Madrid coach...

Liverpool 8, Besiktas 0. It’s the biggest Champions’ League shallacking in history. The game was more than a pummeling. It was a slaughter, a demolishing, a massacre. And what could Besiktas actually do to stop such a tirade of...

So what in the world does Liverpool have to do to stay alive tonight? It seems like we go through this each and every year with this squad. They are one Champions’ League loss away from humiliation. They’ve been...

It’s that glorious time of the month again. Matchday 4 is rapidly approaching and we’ve got some pompous and blatant predictions as to who will kick the bucket and who will prosper this week during European Champions’ League action....

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night Copa Sudamericana: Argentina’s Arsenal stun Chivas de Guadalajara by winning 3-1. Our tío back home is totally pissed. [Espn Global] UEFA Cup: Spain’s Getafe beats England’s Tottenham Hotspur 2-1. All we really care...

Whas Happened In Sports Last Night UEFA Champions League: Robinho scored two goals to help Real Madrid beat Olympiakos 4-2. Lesson: thinking your awesome translates to awesomeness. Oh wait, that only works for Brazilians. Never mind. [El Universal] World...

From last night’s Milan/Celtic Champions League match, Milan’s goalkeeper Dida is seen here falling after getting breathed on by a fan. Officials from the Union of European Football Association (UEFA) are checking into the matter, not because of the...

Giovani Dos Santos became the youngest Mexican player to swap ankle kicks with the world’s most spoiled players this week when he made his UEFA debut in Europe. Gio set up Thierry Henry’s late game strike against Lyon and...

Russian billionaire Alisher Usmanov bought an even bigger chunk of English Premier League team Arsenal, and that kind of spending is not sitting well with UEFA head Michel Platini. He’s gotten so mad over the rise of money as...

How many sex scenes can you fit in a 15-minute window? We only ask because a porn channel in Italy (where else?) bought the rights to air Serie A team Fiorentina’s UEFA Cup first round match. We think the...